Liberals Nationwide Demand Permanent Return to Lockdown

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Liberals across the nation are demanding a permanent return to lockdown, claiming it’s the only way to save the planet by eliminating all carbon footprints from human interaction. The campaign, branded “Eternal Quarantine for Mother Earth,” has exploded on platforms like Bluesky and obscure Reddit threads, racking up millions of likes from users with pronouns in their bios, many donning masks while typing alone at a Starbucks coffee shop.

Leading the charge is Priya Goldstein-Chavez, a self-proclaimed “intersectional hermit” and adjunct professor of Decolonialized Basket Weaving. Speaking to a crowd of six (masked, triple-vaccinated, and spaced 12 feet apart), Goldstein-Chavez, her voice muffled by the KN95 mask, declared, “Lockdowns proved we don’t need to leave our homes to thrive. Commuting, socializing, breathing near others—it’s all ecocide! We can Zoom, DoorDash, and save the planet. Why would we ever go back to torching the planet?”

The group’s petition, signed by 5.2 million accounts with names like “him/her/they,” demands permanent remote work, a ban on in-person voting to “protect democracy,” and federal funding for therapy llamas and piglets. “Office watercoolers are capitalist propaganda,” the petition states.

Liberals have vowed to escalate by boycotting all outdoor activities until their demands are met. “We’re staying inside for the planet,” Goldstein-Chavez whispered through her mask, fogging up her glasses.

Conservative critics, led by MAGA influencer Brock “FreedomEagle” Johnson, called the proposal un-American. “Real patriots need BBQs, handshakes, and gas-guzzling freedom!”

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