SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Gen Z activists have branded punctuation—especially the period, comma, and semicolon—“LITERALLY GENOCIDAL” and “RACIST AF.” The declaration, screamed through a megaphone during a TikTok livestream has ignited a violent campaign to replace all punctuation with emojis .

“Periods are a hate crime!” shrieked influencer and self-styled “rage alchemist” Zephyr Moonbeam, 19,
“They’re, like, TERMINATING our vibes! They force closure on marginalized voices! Commas? Those are LITERAL CHAINS holding back our truth! It’s straight-up fascist !”

“Periods are literally violence,” said another influencer and self-proclaimed Zephyr Moonbeam, 19, “They’re, like, so final. They exclude people who don’t want to end their thoughts. .”

The movement, dubbed #PunctuationIsProblematic or “PIP”, traces its origins to a viral X post claiming that the period was invented by “old white men” to “control the flow of discourse.” Scholars have since clarified that punctuation evolved over centuries across multiple cultures, but activists insist this is “fake news” and a massive cover-up by “established Big Grammar.”

“Every time someone uses a semicolon, they’re upholding white supremacy,” explained Kai Vortex, a 22-year-old community organizer with a degree in Ethical Meme Studies

Others have said that the question mark is the worst of all and claim that using it is akin to being a member of the Ku Klux Klan and their use of the burning cross. Professor Montell Thornton asks “How dare you question me in any way, shape or form – That’s established grammar utilizing symbols to question me – because of the color of my skin. As a black man I am extremely offended! Remember – the swastika was a symbol too!”

The proposed solution?
Replace all punctuation with emojis. Periods can be swapped for, commas for , and question marks for . Vortex says “Emojis are inclusive, they speak to everyone’s lived experience

Major institutions are already caving to the pressure. The University of California, Berkeley, has announced plans to make its curriculum “punctuation-optional” by 2026. Meanwhile, Merriam-Webster has issued an apology for “centuries of punctuation-centric harm” and pledged to add a “trigger warning” to its definition of “period.” and “Question Mark”

The University of Oregon has banned punctuation in all coursework, effective immediately, after protesters set fire to the English department.

Not everyone’s cowering. English professor Dr. Margaret Thompson, 62, called the movement “an assault on reason.” In retaliation, activists firebombed her Prius and spammed her X account with 47,000 eggplant emojis . “I just wanted to teach Shakespeare,” Thompson sobbed, dodging a flaming dictionary.

Disclaimer: Joe King is satire. If you’re offended by this, you’re probably using too many exclamation points.